I did have the focus of mind to change my clothes into something I didn’t care about getting dusty, wet, and dirty.\u00a0 It was just the kind of outfit to greet my fashion-conscious sister in, of course, which is what I did at the aggressive knock.<\/p>\n
(I am pretty sure the doorbell works, but something about the door leads people to knock.\u00a0 I am not certain if it’s the material, the layout, or something else, but people knock more on my door than press the little lit button that gives the pleasant chime and notification of their presence at my door.\u00a0 I leave it as a mystery for another day.)<\/p>\n
“You know, Goodwill does fifty-percent-off sales just about every Saturday,” she said. \u00a0“Or I think you can raid some Salvation Army bins.”<\/p>\n
My little sister is about an inch taller than me, and whereas my dark hair makes me plain, hers, in the same color, somehow makes her look exotic.\u00a0 She did things to it, I guess.\u00a0 (I keep mine cut.)\u00a0 She has a similar colour of eyes, more blue than on the green side, though.\u00a0 She’s slim and athletic, though, from the cross-country style of nerdity.\u00a0 (I have been made aware that there are two nerd sports – wrestling and cross-country.\u00a0 I would like to put shotput in there somewhere, but that may be wishful thinking.)<\/p>\n
I noticed that she wore tiny, sparkly heels, and in fact, a tiara.<\/p>\n
“No wings?” I asked, looking up at her head.<\/p>\n
“I’m the princess, dolt.”\u00a0 She grabbed me in a hug I was unable to back out of, and then rubbed her knuckles lightly on the top of my head before letting me go.\u00a0 I bore it without comment.<\/p>\n
“Your place looks clean.\u00a0 Did you fumigate recently?”\u00a0 She looked around, mostly noting the bookshelves.<\/p>\n
“I had a magical construct living with me for a while,” I said, blythely.<\/p>\n
“Like a broom from that scene in `Fantasia’?” she asked.<\/p>\n
“More like a blow up doll gone feral,” I smirked.<\/p>\n
“Only you, big brother, only you.” \u00a0She opened up my refrigerator, checked in my medicine cabinet, and then looked at my desktop background before coming back to the table. \u00a0“Where are the shovels?”<\/p>\n
“Strange places to be looking for them.”<\/p>\n
“I’m just spying so I can tell mother what kind of pornographic, drug-addled nonsense you’re into these days. \u00a0Still dating Magster the Nagster?”<\/p>\n
I grinned. \u00a0“No, we’re splits.”<\/p>\n
“Hah!” she blurted, disbelievingly. \u00a0“Give it a month, you’ll go crawling back to her. \u00a0What happened to Happy Hillary or whatever model doll you were `dating’?” \u00a0She used her fingers for big air quotes.<\/p>\n
“Doloise died saving me from a fiery end in a Dragon’s lower intestine.”<\/p>\n
“I can’t even translate that one. \u00a0So. \u00a0Let’s get going?”<\/p>\n
“Remember where Ed’s mom lives?”<\/p>\n
“We’re burying that old hag? \u00a0About time!” She opened the door again, and I followed her down the steps.<\/p>\n
“She’s a very pleasant person who makes excellent chocolate chip cookies.”<\/p>\n
“You’re a man. \u00a0Chocolate chip cookies are just one of nature’s little ways of making you do tricks. \u00a0I hold out for brownies or real apple pie. \u00a0Or old-money.”<\/p>\n
There was a man in a white suit waiting, leaning up against the car. \u00a0“Who’s that?” I asked.<\/p>\n
“Jeeves.”<\/p>\n
“Really? \u00a0I’ve always wanted a Jeeves. \u00a0Do they come in different colors?”<\/p>\n
“His name is Roberto, and he owns the car, but I own him, so it’s fair game. \u00a0Get in back and give me the address, because we’ve got a satellite navigation system thing-a-ma-bob.”<\/p>\n
I let myself in, while my sister spoke to her paramour du jour. \u00a0 It had leather seats, with a warming unit, and an excellent sound system, although I’m too much of a white guy for Latin love ballads to look natural. \u00a0I don’t think it’s a racist thing, just a cultural expectation (which could totally be racist, I guess) thing. \u00a0I just wish I got the benefit of all the power and money implied of being “the man” sometimes, instead of all the guilt. \u00a0(Yeah, that’s a whole ton of assumed privilege just in that sentence. \u00a0I’m at least partially aware, not pure neanderthal, right?)<\/p>\n
“Nice car,” I said into the silence that was broken up occasionally by the -cubi inspiring dulcet tones of the navigator.<\/p>\n
“Yes, yes she is,” Roberto, aka Jeeves replied. \u00a0My sister had her hand on his arm, in a very dominant sort of fashion. \u00a0“I like to drive her fast, especially at night.”<\/p>\n
I was hoping, in counter to one nausea-induced flurry of worry, that he was really talking about the car and not about my sister. \u00a0“Sorry for waking the two of you up,” I tried.<\/p>\n
“We had not yet gone to bed,” Roberto said.<\/p>\n
“Ah.” \u00a0I gave up my quirky conversational gambits and stayed quiet as the white lines of the highway dashed by in the headlights.<\/p>\n
“So what’s the scoop with Ed?” my sister asked, turning to look at me.<\/p>\n
“Which part? \u00a0The ‘I just found out he’s gay,’ part or the, ‘We’re rescuing him from a interlude with a vampire’ part?”<\/p>\n
“You really do think you’re funny,” she said, flatly, looking back out the windshield. \u00a0“Anyway, I guessed the first part.”<\/p>\n
“I have known a vampire,” Roberto said.<\/p>\n
“Shh, Jeeves. \u00a0You will only encourage him,” she put a finger up to his lips. \u00a0He kissed it.<\/p>\n
I did not throw up.<\/p>\n
“No, really. \u00a0I have known a vampire. \u00a0She was very sexy. \u00a0She liked to bite my neck and call me names.”<\/p>\n
I looked around for an air sickness bag, but seeing how far I had to reach to get to the front seat, gave up on it, and just steeled myself in the manly fashion.<\/p>\n
My sister murmured something up front that made both of them chuckle in a knowing fashion.<\/p>\n
My phone went off then, saving me momentarily. \u00a0“It’s E,” I said.<\/p>\n
“E? \u00a0He goes by E?” Roberto asked.<\/p>\n
“It’s a thing. \u00a0It’s like his gangsta name,” my sister explained.<\/p>\n
“Hawk. \u00a0If you want to do it right, pin her wrists. \u00a0She’ll recover faster from that than her abdomen. \u00a0That’s why they did Christ that way.”<\/p>\n
“I don’t think he was a vampire,” I said slowly.<\/p>\n
“Evidence is against you. \u00a0I’ll be there in forty with the kit.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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