It was not my finest moment. Of course, it came in what was certainly not my finest hour, and it was certainly not shaping up to be my finest day. I had taken it to be somewhat like expecting the whole Klingon, “Today is a good day to die,” statement to be a weather forecast. “Not looking good tomorrow, though. We’ve got a low pressure suicidal frenzy coming from the East, though that might make Thursday an awesome day to meet your maker.” On the other hand, I was alive, I was in relatively good health, I had rid my body of a great deal of demon rum (well, it wasn’t rum, and it wasn’t demonic, but it was still definitely an exorcism of sorts) and Matana’s hand had come off my arm as Maggie parked.<\/p>\n
So it was actually turning around, all things considered. <\/p>\n
Or was my hand on Matana’s?<\/p>\n
We could argue it later. I wasn’t on my knees in the dirt. I focused on that for a moment. That and the fact that it looked like there was blood on the grille of Maggie’s car. Oh, Mags. Swerving into squirrels again, were we?<\/p>\n
She kind of nodded to Ed, and then addressed Matana. “Is he sober?”<\/p>\n
“He’s trying.”<\/p>\n
“Yeah, but is he sober?” she stole my line. “Nevermind. We’ll do it the fast way. I can spare that.”<\/p>\n
Again with the snap, and again with the fuzziness in my head being driven away by a wash of witchiness. A wallow of witchery. A wiggle of witch. I made a mental note to apply to some council of venery out there to make it a wiggle of witches rather than the traditional coven. <\/p>\n
A guy can hope. I stood up slowly.<\/p>\n
“I hate it when you do that,” I breathed out.<\/p>\n
“You can be self-indulgent on your own time. Come on. I’ll drive your car.” She held out her hand for my keys, and Ed supplied them. Traitor. I’m going to start calling him “Teddy.”<\/p>\n
“Why isn’t this my time? When does it get to be my time?” I was muttering.<\/p>\n
Magda turned around and looked me straight in the eye. “Quit your whining. I indulged you plenty, as did Sylvia. Poor baby, survived a flick of a claw from a Dragon.”<\/p>\n
“Really?” Ed asked Matana.<\/p>\n
I saw Matana nod out of the corner of my eye. <\/p>\n
“Wow.” Alright, the Teddy thing was out of line. I upgraded my opinion instantaneously. “That was stupid.” <\/p>\n
I regretted my mercurial nature.<\/p>\n
“That is a word that could be used for it,” Matana agreed. I already didn’t like the vampire, so she didn’t get a change in her status.<\/p>\n
“So, what’s the plan, grand poobahstress?” Ed asked as he climbed into the back seat.<\/p>\n
“Hey,” I noted. “You’re not allowed to drive this thing. It’s in my rental agreement and everything.” Really, it’s like a minimum $15 or so to add on another driver, and I know how many tickets Maggie has had for speeding.<\/p>\n
Zero, but that’s not the point. She should get one every single day.<\/p>\n
Maggie tilted her head and gave me a Look. <\/p>\n
I relented.<\/p>\n
She straightened the mirrors out before answering Ed. Matana did not wear a seatbelt. I suppose she’d just drain us of blood and heal herself if we got in an accident. It was something to look forward to, I guessed.<\/p>\n
“Someone has declared war.”<\/p>\n
“If it’s not a bug, I’m probably not of any help,” Ed noted, quickly. <\/p>\n
“Why are you in the car, Ed?” I asked.<\/p>\n
“She gave you this…look, and it said in my head, `And, Ed, if you’re not cooperating and in the backseat by the count of three, I’ll make it so every sunspider in a hundred miles thinks your place is irresistable.'” He reflected. “Maybe not in so many words.”<\/p>\n
“Good man,” Matana smiled at him.<\/p>\n
“Maybe, but I’m an awfully good exterminator, that’s for sure. So, what we saw wasn’t the realm of the exoskeletal. It was more a Boschian triptych with a side of gruesome.”<\/p>\n
“You must have been drinking to make that comparison,” I muttered.<\/p>\n
“Hey, I might have been an art major once upon a time,” he winked to take the mock-offended tone to the area of mock. Um. Or something like that. I may not have been drunk anymore, but I still get kind of lightheaded after Maggie’s trick.<\/p>\n
“It was certainly a surrealist’s depiction of wherever the place was. And it was disturbingly…” he looked for a word. “Sexy.” He hurried to qualify, “but only in a very weird way. No one seemed to be enjoying themselves, except that they were, if you, um, see what I mean.” He waved his hands.<\/p>\n
“The -cubi,” Maggie sighed.<\/p>\n
“Somehow they’d attracted two with less than a dozen people,” I said. It sounded very flat. “But they’re beasts and we can’t beat them with broomsticks. What are you expecting Ed and I to do?”<\/p>\n
“Be our male counterparts in the ritual,” she said. “I didn’t get much more in the way of specifics other than we needed some gender dualities.”<\/p>\n
“Um,” Ed looked at me for help.<\/p>\n
I checked the door, and it was locked. I gauged carefully what kind of injuries I would likely have to handle at about 70 miles per hour if I jumped out of the speeding car. <\/p>\n
Maggie just sighed.<\/p>\n
“It’s not like that, boys.”<\/p>\n
Ed swallowed visibly, and while I was tempted to just tell him to spit, it didn’t seem like it would be as funny said aloud as it was in my head, so I stayed quiet. <\/p>\n
“Um. If I say, `Good,’ you won’t hate me forever…or turn me into a frog, will you?” Ed asked, kind of in a rush.<\/p>\n
Matana smiled at him and brushed his hand, making him jump. “No,” she said, and she purred. I mean, like, literally.<\/p>\n
“Oh. Well. Good.” He gave me another desperate look.<\/p>\n
“You got in the car,” I pointed out.<\/p>\n
“You must have an unusual dentist, ma’am,” he said to Matana. “And I’m in over my head. I knew it would happen one day. I told my self, `Ed, that E fellow, he’s going to get you in over your head one day,’ and look where it is. Two hot chicks, some kind of ritual near a portal of agony and ecstasy, and I’m going to die, aren’t I? My mother will be vindicated. She always told me I was going to end up in something weird and wicked. She had a bit of the sight, Mum did. Weird and wicked.”<\/p>\n
“A portal of agony and ecstasy?” I asked him.<\/p>\n
“Hey, I don’t just read MSDS sheets. I can quote poetry, too.” He sighed.<\/p>\n
“I like E,” Matana declared to Maggie. “He always gives us such interesting evenings.”<\/p>\n
Great. The bloodsucker likes me. Did I mention it was not my finest day?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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